When my spouse said he was going to become a law enforcement officer, I was filled with the usual emotions I would expect from most significant others. Pride, fear, worry–all wrapped up in love. These were the early years. Then, as the day-to-day of long hours, no answers to phone calls, repeated missed events (“I’ll make it there” and the continued let down of “sorry, babe, won’t be home” or “can’t make it, you go without me, I have a call”) settled in, so too did the resentment.
Often I would wait excited at the door to tell him about my day as I had not been able to speak to him during his 12-hour (often longer) shift and be met with, “Not now; I just need to eat.” I would try again with different tactics. Okay, he doesn’t want to talk about my stuff right now. Maybe he will talk to me about his stuff. So I would reach out again with, “how was your day? What kind of calls did you go on?” only to be met with, “Really? I just got in the door.” I would often be left feeling hurt and alone in our marriage. I wanted a partner who wanted to be present and wanted to tell me about their day and hear about mine.
I would go on about making decisions myself as shit needed to get done, whether he was choosing to show up physically or mentally. I would want to have talks about goals and future ideas for our home, and he would shut down. He would tell me he is focused on today. I would grow to resent his job and make no secret about it, so every time there would be a call-out, I would say, “Of course…so see you next week.” I would call his phone on rapid dial back-to-back-to-back until I would get an answer, making me the crazy person who just didn’t support law enforcement.
As I chose to become consumed by the tornado that is the law enforcement life (if you let it), I finally said I have to live my life not encompassed around you and not doing everything based off you so I will not resent you. Once I started to do this, I became happier, and all his call-outs, distance, and lack of being checked in at home did not upset me as much. I did what I needed to do for myself. I reached out to family forums for first responders. He now asks me about my day, and we now make time for family days.
Please know that family members carry a percent of the day-to-day burdens of the job, and this can build into a mountain that can no longer be crossed if it is not addressed. Don’t let this happen to you. Address these issues; it starts with you. Do what is needed to take care of yourself.