By Susie Kroll
I am so sorry for your loss. | Yes, we found your son; he wandered about a mile away. | I’m sorry that they stole $20,000.00 from your retirement accounts. | Your daughter is being placed in protective custody due to severe child neglect. Yes, we will make sure to check on your wife since she has been expressing being suicidal.| Radio, he is unresponsive; start aid; the suspect stabbed him in the abdomen. Last seen running southbound.| I’m sorry, honey. Mommy won’t be home for the holidays this year; I have to work. I know, son; I am sorry I keep missing your baseball games.| You can’t come within 1,000 feet of the residence for three years. You’re under arrest for the perpetration of domestic violence; you can’t punch her until she is unconscious.| We recovered your car, but it’s been stripped of everything of value. | Look, this isn’t working out between us.| You don’t get it; it’s just a few drinks. Get off my back. | I forgot our anniversary again; there’s just too much going on. Sweetie, I am going to be home late again. I know. I’m sorry; it’s been like this for weeks now.| My partner didn’t survive the gunshot wound; it’s been ten years, but it feels like yesterday in my mind. I should have gotten there faster.| Honey, I gotta go. There’s a call out for a barricaded and suicidal subject with hostages.
Honey, how was your day? Fine.
We have all heard stories, seen headlines, and watched shows related to police work. Images are conjured in our minds from books, media, and our imaginations. Yet, there are people who live it daily, see it daily, and carry the memories and experiences with them forever. Often, the impacts of these experiences are not immediately felt but erosive in nature over the course of a career as a first responder. Messaging to first responders has evolved over the last few decades. Initially, an emphasis was placed on being a warrior, a keeper of the peace, and being the one who would, above all, serve and protect the community without weakness. Recently, emphasis has been placed on being a guardian of communities, safety, and holistic policing. With this evolution must come the expectation that vulnerability is not weakness but rather the ultimate expression of strength.
Compassion and humanity in first responders should be a pillar of cognition and integration in how first responders care-take themselves. After all, we cannot hope to be the calm and safety on the worst day of someone else’s life if we cannot first make sure that we are healthy and resilient in our own care.
As a model for the advancement in the principles of self-care and resiliency for first responders, offered for consideration are a couple of stories from those that have paved the way to thriving in the strength of vulnerability.
Officer Drake* is an incredible police officer and a 20-year veteran of the work. He has seen his fair share of danger, tragedy, crime, loss, and community engagement throughout his career. Officer Drake is a family man, a devoted husband, and engaged readily in ancillary duties in police work in addition to his regular patrol duties. He is someone that his peers have sought out because of his steadfast compassion and fierce loyalty to his family and work. Officer Drake found himself faced with a cluster of life stressors all happening at once. His wife was suffering from complications of a brain tumor that was inoperable but not terminal in nature. Without warning, she served him with divorce papers.
Community, global perspectives, internal department changes, and politics surrounding police were becoming increasingly volatile. And he was having to face the reactions of his family, friends, and children as they reacted to the impending divorce. To say he was blind-sided is an understatement. He was a committed husband now facing the onset of a mental illness in his wife of almost two decades.
Officer Drake had reached his limit to care for himself, and his capacity was being challenged minute-to-minute. His wife refused to speak about the divorce and accused him of many things to which he was not guilty. Due to her mental health diagnoses, she could not be reasoned with or counseled to participate in couples or individual therapy. Officer Drake reached out to a local Mental Health Professional (MHP) whom he had heard about through other officers. For weeks, he would talk with her about feeling helpless, powerless, and utterly confused by the circumstances of the divorce.
He was having to balance the procedural aspects of divorce while reconciling the emotional loss and pain he was feeling at the same time. It was clear that these two paths of events did not respect the needs of the other and took on a life of their own. They were further complicated by the fact that he had to continue to work to support his children, the mounting medical bills, and now the impending separation and divorce from the love of his life. Officer Drake resigned himself to her demands and requests. While he disagreed with her recollections and choices, for the sake of his children and out of his continued love for his wife, he agreed to the divorce. This challenged his faith, his memories of their relationship, and his utter rejection of the idea of divorcing the only woman he ever truly loved and still does.
After working with the MHP for several months, he was able to mourn the loss of his marriage. He found strength in laying his feelings on the table, being honest with himself, feeling the pain in a safe environment, and challenging himself to see love differently. He learned he still loved his wife; he grieved the marriage but could love her still by taking care of himself and his children. He never anticipated having to become this strong emotionally, but he met the burden with honesty and vulnerability, which evolved into the resiliency of and for himself and strength he didn’t know he possessed.
Officer Sykes* is a 15-year veteran of law enforcement. She has held many positions during her career. She worked successfully with a hostage negotiation team, trained police officers on how to drive patrol cars safely, running lights and sirens, and in all manner of weather conditions. She thinks outside of the box and tries to keep her community as safe as possible while still getting people the resources they need. In one particular instance, she was faced with a young adult male that brandished a firearm while experiencing a psychotic episode. She knew he needed help, but she also had a duty to maintain public safety and arrest this individual for the brandishing of the firearm.
Officer Sykes was able to reach out to a department MHP and a prosecutor to help the young man. She was able to ensure public safety by petitioning for an extreme risk protection order. During the proceedings to have the male’s gun rights revoked, she also requested of the prosecutor that he be provided with a mental health assessment and services for his mental health concerns. She was able to foster both public safety and resource connection for the young male.
Officer Sykes is no stranger to hostile and stressful policing. During her time on a hostage negotiation team, she saw many suspects perpetrate domestic violence on their partners; she saw many suicides that could have been prevented; she witnessed the anguish of family members when they learned their loved ones had died due to gang violence. One day, she was the subject of a call–her husband experienced a catastrophic medical event resulting in his death in their living room. She tried desperately to render aid while she waited for emergency medical services to arrive. She described, to a counselor, watching his life leave his body and the resulting irreversible heartbreak she experienced. She sought comfort in counseling and the affection provided to her by three incredible dogs. She speaks openly about how therapy keeps her whole and keeps her smiling and carrying on with hopeful eyes toward the future. She continues to be a fixture in her job of resiliency by leading as an example.
Seeking peer support or counseling is the most vulnerable thing most first responders can do. Admitting that the stressors, life circumstances, and pain are too much to handle alone takes courage. It would be unfathomable for a first responder to tell a 911 caller they were weak for asking for help. In turn, these officers exemplify bravery in realizing that asking for help is ,in fact. the most courageous act they could endeavor to do.
In vulnerability, we all find strength.
*names have been changed
