By Amanda Dozanti
In February 2015, I was awarded the American Legion Heroes Award — officer of the year for 2014. By September 2015, I had succumbed to the job. I was a paranoid, hypervigilant, cynical deputy sheriff who was also completely burned out.
Like many law enforcement officers, I had stopped trusting anyone and everyone around me. Eventually, I did not trust myself and my own judgment. In the month following my resignation, I slept for nearly 16 hours a day for a month straight and learned that I had adrenal fatigue, which was a totally foreign concept.
I felt shame that I thought about giving up — a few times. If I wanted to survive, I had to come to terms with the fact that I also had PTSD and depression. It took a while, but I didn’t believe in folding, so I started healing myself. Subsequently, I decided that I needed to take action to process and grow from the experience.
I found myself diving into things that I had previously loved, like yoga. I went all in and became an instructor. During that time, I also returned to school and got my master’s degree in criminology and victimology. Learning about what your mind and body go through during trauma is incredibly powerful knowledge to have when you are processing such experiences.
I did all this while working full-time as a criminal court victim advocate and planning a wedding. What I thought was me “healing” was really me avoiding. I was piling on responsibility and distraction to keep from telling myself the truth.
As I transitioned from being a hard-core full-time law enforcement officer to a volunteer officer trying to come to terms with my fall from grace, I couldn’t understand why I was still carrying around the weight of the badge. What I learned is that so many of us in emergency services suffer from tremendous pressure, a work-life balance that seems unattainable, and a lack of self-care.
I was able to shift simple things in daily life to reduce hypervigilance, paranoia, and the ever-present fog of years of trauma, but I still felt heavy. It wasn’t until I stared my fear in the eyes and got honest with myself that I felt freedom. I had to be straight-up with the mirror and acknowledge that I had been deeply affected by my experiences, both on and off duty.
I wasn’t bulletproof.
When I was able to be vulnerable with myself, I began to trust myself again. Although it took years for me to be honest with the people around me, I was able to truly start healing. First responders are so good at hiding their pain and fear from those around them, and even themselves. The wild part is that the majority of first responders are all feeling the heaviness of their shift work.
We need to turn up the conversation around first responders and mental wellness!
Amanda Dozanti is the creator of Life Saver Wellness. You can learn more about her work by visiting https://www.lifesaverwellness.com/
