You probably keep a weapon on you at all times or within arm’s reach. You compartmentalize your memories and emotions, even if you don’t know what that means. These are learned skills, probably taught by your institution, that help you succeed at your job but fail at life.
You’re not normal as far as the rest of the world is concerned. You are weird, and that should be expected, seeing what you’ve seen, and doing what normal people don’t want to think about. “Normals” find you to be paranoid and call you a conspiracy theorist or prepper, and not in the good sense. You have been taught to trust no one from the outside and possibly be ready to flip the switch, ready to hurt or kill at any moment. Those are not the ingredients for a healthy lifestyle, but they are the mechanisms that help you cope on a daily basis.
You may feel like your friends or significant other resent you for not being carefree like you used to be. You have probably cleared your house in the middle of the night, probably more than once. You probably avoid normal situations while at the same time seeking out confrontation with the ones you care about. You probably eat your emotions or drink too much to avoid them, and you probably lose your temper over dumb shit. All of which you find yourself apologizing for far too often. Lots of apologies to supervisors for losing your shit. Lots of “I’m sorrys” to loved ones for flaking out or losing your cool over superfluous things.
If this speaks to you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE… Your thoughts are normal, and there are a lot of us that feel exactly the same way; we’re just all too proud to talk about it. Too Macho. When you want to talk, please reach out to us at First Responder Project.
